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hopanyo justin

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random venting [18 Jun 2004|10:13am]
first and most important thing. a "hey" to jerome. awesome possum rite here.  fuckin square, he wanted to be mentioned. hahaha...

well im back from SD and should i update about my many adventures? write about the things i realized? OR since i finally graduated, write sumthing about the past 4 important years of my life? NAW... thats for later.

rite now. i wanna vent out about the importance of today and my thoughts on all of it.

today is june 18th. my dads bday. i refuse to call him or take part in any event which celebrates the day of his birth. hell, tell why i should? sure... hes my dad, but it seem only by title and not actual bond. cmon, the guy didnt even congratulate me on graduating HS. he didnt even show up. you know how much that still fucking hurts? one of my gr8est accomplisments to date, and it has no special importance to him. so fuck that. if he cant recognize me on a special day, why should i recognize him.

huongee told me on the way home from SD that i blame lots on my dad. sure, i do. only cus i feel i have the rite to. no matter how much anyone can empathize or say they know what its like, they dont. sure, they may be put in the same situation, but its different cus its not with my dad. the only ones who i say come close to feeling what i feel are his siblings. im sure they agree with me. the oldest son, AJ. he dont even know his father is my dad. so wtf... all his life, being raised and lied to. how could he love a man who left him. my brother jon, hes in denial. he knows what kind of a guy my dad is. cept, he chooses to not acknowledge it cus hes the only one who my dad supports. like my dad really wants to though... he does it to punish me. jason, he finally recently seen the things i do about dad. when jason had all that drama about going to jail, my dad turned his back. everytime jason needs sumthing, my dad turns the other cheek. as for me, shit.... dont get me started. jorem, his youngest daughter. i feel bad for the kid. she lives in the PI with a foster family. my dad knoced up sum girl and left back for the US. she ditched the child. whats my dad doing for her now?! sending the child 500 a month? WOOOPTY DOO... father of the year rite here.

so i conclude, my dads bday and fathers day have no meaning to me. fuck him.
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HA HA HA [07 Jun 2004|10:07pm]
you have obviously underestimated me. NOTHING gets by me. trust me.

dude, what kind of fool do you take me for? im mister 411. im a ninja. im spy status. HAHAHA... i laugh in your face.

i know how the scene works... take my word for it.
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this fucking sux [07 Jun 2004|01:58am]
things seemed to be coming together for me. so be it that its just been since friday that i havent been feeling depressed, but the past while from hitting a low ive come a long way. but no... things had to go wrong again.

it feels as if most of depression seems to surround YOU these past few days. the way YOU make me feel. the thoughts about YOU in my head. the way YOU treat me.... its all about YOU rite now. i hate it. things about YOU are making me feel hatred for myself.

maybe its me just being insecure and stupid... but damn, put yourself in my shoes and tell me how you feel. im not mad... i just feel kinda hurt. i hate this feeling, because it makes me hate life. the cycle goes on...

other than this stuff, life hasnt been so bad. relaxing weekend with events which regenerated my mind, body and soul. too bad the weekend seems to end on a bad note....

not anger or "depression." just frustration and pain.

"stars in the sky" my biggest fear.
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ehh,,, LIFE [19 May 2004|01:16am]
its ironic, everything which seemed so important to me feels like its all ending around the same time frame.

work. family. friends. skool.

i recently lost my job, and with that, i feel as if a major chunk of what made me who i am was lost. i loved my job, the people, i got TOO comfortable when i shouldve had my guard high. KB, just a job, but it made me complete in a sense. ive come across people who werent just co-workers, but ppl which grew to find a place in my heart. now, lost bonds, lost of direction...

more than ever, i feel as if my family lacks support on all aspects of my life. my brother was rite when he cussed me out today and called me a "burden" to the family. maybe i should hold his advice against him, and kill myself like he told me i should do. im disturbed. my mom is hopeless. my brother jason is an inconsiderate jerk. my bro jon, hes selfish and only looks out for himself. my dad, hes my dad. dont get me started. the thing that gets to me, i dont know why i still love em so much. i dont get why i cant just turn my back on them like they have done to me. im holding onto false thoughts, false feelings... no, im holding onto what WAS and what i want it to be like....

skool ends in 15 days. i already know, that means ill be tossed into the world, the unknown... trust me, im being paranoid and freaked out big time about this. i just dont want to deal with it... but hey, we all got to, its a right of passage. i guess it just happening to me too fast. i still want to be sheltered... everyone asks why, heres the reason. i figure, if my "sheltered" life is already bad as it is, than everything outside must be worst. its kinda a lose, lose situation and im just wanting the less sucky choice. sounds stupid, yea, my mind is all mumbled jumbled.

with the end of hs, lots of friendships will be put to the test. the sad thing, i know many will die out. granted, people are going in all directions. the true friendships will last, yet, they still will have changed. heck, just cus a friendship is only surface deep, it dont mean i dont cherish it. just like the saying goes, you never truly know how much you appreciate sumthing till its finally gone. thats kinda how i feel, close or just an aquantince, not having them around throws me off. its reality though, it WILL happen.

with all these things going against me all at the same time, i suffer a hard blow. rather than picking myself up only to remain in the same place, id like to start anew. AWAY. shit, only if i had my act together say about the past 5 months... id be able to be where i wanna be and not have to pick up for my mistakes. iono, i wanna get away.

im done for now, not feeling too good.
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life sux. [05 Mar 2004|03:13am]
havent been in here for a long time... need venting though where no one really reads...

reality check to myself.

you can go to fullerton, sac, san jose and sf for college. you havent decided which yet. so be it wtv you choose, you will have problems. about 5.5 thousand for financial aid and 1.5 G top for laons. that adds up to 7 thousand for skool. take away 3.5 for tuition, take away 1 for books... you have 2.5 left. its about 900 a month to dorm and all. 4 months a semester, that adds up to 3600. than you have daily expences. you will not have enough money for college for family will not help. having a job, you wont get enough. you reached up to this point, for what... to be slapped in the face over shit you have no control over.

you are nothing but a burden. you have no home to live in. your dad doesnt want you back. youre tired of moving and and out of friends places. its not their job to put a roof over your head. you feel unwelcomed at your gmas. your aunts cant take care of you. staying at your moms, you just contribute to what is already a problem. wtf...

in 4 months, you will should be graduating. you will no longer have honers. your grades have dropped do bad and you may not even graduate on time. its your fault. along with the end of skool, your friends will no longer be around. you are the type who if your friends arent physically there, you lose touch. face it, its the truth. everyone will move on and be fine, you will be left with pain.

in a month, you will not have a job. you will no longer be self supporting. having a job and making your own money the rite way is what gets you by, with out it you will have nothing.

you are losing it. you need a break and yet to see any answers to questions. your falling apart and you have fallen to isolation and hiding your pain as to not burden others. your fake. you hide behind a false smile. you have your obvious problems, also including the unexplainable hassles that you or no one have a clue to its existance.  youre a fucking lunatic. there is much more complexity to your mind and it kills you that you cant control your thoughts.

you are a waste of space. your friends and family are all around,  but in the end your all alone. you are a failure who cant deal with life. the family you need to be there or to love you, cant or doesnt love you. your a fucking weakling. you have no one to hold your hand to guide your way to hapiness. one day, youll get there. but not for a long time. who knows if youll make it? maybe youll give up half way there. i say you do. kill yourself. end it. take the damn easy way out. you feel nothin but pain when theres not anything keeping you happy, you can never be content. do it already. quit bitching and just do it. gain the courage to fucking kill yourself. it seems like the only way out.

now its time to be selfish. so be the pain you cause to others, help yourself out. you say you dont have it in you, either suck it up and gain the strength. or fuck it, find a way to die. just do it. end it. kill yourself.
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damn, long time no see [03 Jul 2003|05:43am]
[ mood | blank ]

pinoyblah 80%
How compatible with me are YOU?

i havent been on this thing for days... thats a trip. everyone forgot about this unless your linked. NO ONE is linked cept for my trusty pal who gave me the start to this site. thats rite, the one and only BITER. well since youre the only one reading this.... hows life? hope youre doing well. well miss talking to ya homie. peace out!

and to whom ever, you can still read about my life at:
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[15 Apr 2003|07:26pm]
[ mood | crappy ]

Its 542 and im writing an entry in word. I cant be online and I felt the sudden want to write. My day pretty much ended b4 it even began. Hahaha. So I wake up cus steph calls me. I really didn’t know what she wanted, I was so out of it. so I jump in the shower and get ready. Funny stuff, I come out and I wonder what to wear? Hrmmmm, so I pick clothes out of this lil section. I just find it amusing that I dress myself a certain way when I see a certain group of ppl. So im ready and head to HOT POT CITY!!! I went there because it was the viet show participant lunch. Funny stuff, well ya know how it’s a cook your own food buffet? Almost ¾ of the ppl were “uhhh, how do you cook the food?” luckily I sat with mark and leanne. We had our lil flip table at the back. Kinda ironic, cus flips aren’t considered azn and we were at an azn restaurant. I would say, of all ppl there, pur table got the most moneys worth. Why you ask? Cus we were the only ones who really knew what we were doing. We had a system. 2 cookers, mark and leanne. 1 food getter, me. and a rice runner, james. Hahahha, so we all ate with everyone. Good food! caught up with ppl and just talked. Same ol good stuff. I saw the most funniest things. This girl trip cus she was wearing highheels, this syko Chinese guy hella muggin me and Vicky, james and I caught a guys funny face. (one of those you had to see it things) so it was time to go, I was gonna cum home and change b4 leaving again. But I just decided to get picked up there. after eating, me and huonge browse the stores in the plaza. She bought a wallet and bought me a sticker!

I come home and my plans of going out were canceled. (read my secret xanga to find out) I just wasn’t in the mood. So I called and apologized and headed for home. On the way home my dad bought kfc. We got home and I laid in bed for bout 10 min. thought over sum things and than wanted to play videogames. I had no games that caught my eye so I decided to go to Hollywood to rent one. I figure its break, I don’t have plans till Thursday, imma lock myself in my room till than and just be a couch potato. So I go there and I rent xenosaga. I played it for bout 1 hr, its good.

Yea, my day doesn’t seem so interesting, huh? Yea… I know. I feel like breaks ending already. I started it on Wednesday, ive been out everyday since than. Rite now, I just wanna keep to myself for 2 days and relax. Than thursaday till Sunday, imma be a busy guy again.

Oh yea, I talked to family and friends. Ppl still think im with niki! LOL. its kinda funny. Im just like oh no, were not together. And everyones reaction is the same, awww, its ok. Like im not already over her. sorry niki, that sounded bad, but you know the deal. Shes already moved on and with sumone. Im happy for her. were good friends again and that’s good. I just thought id say sumthing cus I assume that not too many ppl know. I though t it was kinda obvious though.

I was talking to R online yesterday, battle of the tribes came up. its kinda been a topic for lots of ppl in the flip club. I decided that I didn’t wanna go this year. Its kinda a symbolic thing for me. last year, the week which started with battle of the tribes was all bad. That was like hell week for me last year. It started out with me dropping. I don’t regret the act, just things were bad after. I fought with niki, I got in trouble with bros and I just kinda had like a bad after effect. That same week I had lots of drama with friends. Figuring out who was really there and who wasn’t. that week was the week I kinda cut communication off with sumone who was very close. we literally never talked since thann. There was also drama between 2 girls I liked at the time. Ummm, for the first time I snorted *ahem. im sure most of you guys remember, cus I was at skool and all of a sudden I had a bloody nose which kept going for about 3 periods. I went to the doctors and I was sick from it. I got high 2 days and got caught with it. I fought with my dad that whole week and I ran away from home for bout 3 days. That same week, I was kinda down cus my mom was sick again. Lots of bad memories. Kinda surprised that when I remember the battle of the tribes event, that’s what comes to mind. Iono, maybe I mite go still and cheer on friends. Dang, kinda thinking bout all that, show how much I moved on up.

I just want to say one thing for the publics eye b4 I go to my secret xanga…. Remember how I went on and on about having a rebound or replacement? Or was that my secret xanga? Well ne who….. all I have to say is that I wont settle for less only cus I cant have what I want.

Time for secret xanga time. Want a link? Ask me…

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just random rants..... [14 Apr 2003|11:23pm]
[ mood | lonely ]

I SHOULD be out rite now. but im not, damn, I hate being the youngest of everyone. The plan was to go bowling, but now theyre going to a club. No fake ID ne more and im not 18, so im left out. Well they can go F U C K themselves. Damn, I just get really irritated when ppl flake out and shit. If sumthing else came up, so be it, but why couldn’t they just stick to the original plan. What fucking gets to me is that I canceled other plans to go out with these ppl. Errrrrr, and now everyone is out BUT me.
Today I had a better day. Woke up at 8 from a 4 hr sleeping period. I was in bed kinda just crying and thinking bout lots of shit. I found sumthing that I shouldve recived 2 days ago which just kinda caught me off guard. We don’t need to go into that though. So I wake up and I kinda invite myself to leannes. Haha, I hinted and she finished. So hopanyos leannie and huongee pick me up and we go to get stuff at albertsons. We kicked it at her house. I swear, I feel like im a t home when im there. always welcomed with opened hands and its so cozy there. hahaha, we picked on huongee for being the odd Woman out. She was the only non flip. We watched the ring, not so scary ne more once you’ve seen it. chit chatted about 3 specific ppl. Made a cake and pigged out, ordered pizza and killed that shit too. leanne, you think its time to welcome huongee into the fat buddy club? Yea, I love chilling at leannes. Good times!

Us hopanyos always be having the best convos about everything and anything. Kinda the topic of discussion for us were 3 in specific. Me and leanne are in the exact position while huongee is ummm, don’t wanna jinx her =X…. lets just say things always happen in patterns with us. However though, from when the day started, till up to now. Im feeling better about lots of things. So I kinda noticed that sumone was online and I decide to see if I know that person. Ending up… its yea… I tried to hide my identity. I felt like shit when talking to that person. Iono, it was weird. We both caught one another off guard. I find out this person reads my shit and its kinda emberrassing. I say hella things about this person. Look, im doing it rite now. so why do I feel better? I don’t feel like saying.

I came home and went to my cuzzins bday dinner. It was alrite, ate and caught up with fam. Theyre losers. Funny ppl though, I love my family. Yet I hate them so much. Tonis bitch ass kinda killed it for me. shes a bitch now a days. So I was falling asleep cus I was tired. She calls it out on me in front of ALL my fam. She says “Justin, I didn’t know you were still having side fx from your hangover.” And so my family hella questioned… see, they don’t see me as my friends do, ya know, its family. There are sum things you just don’t say to em. So I was tired of that shit and left. Said my good byes and just walked home cus I was mad.

Ok, this whole thing with R. (sorry, I know youre reading this. But a journal is for me, its up to you if you read it or not) I can finally say that I have no more hope in us. Its easy for ppl to doubt me, but I just look at things in a different way. my hopes and my desires are 2 different things. My hope has died, but my wants still remain. Im still accepting the fact that there is no more us. Than why am I still hung up on R? I feel that we never really gave it our all, that our relationship ended b4 it even began. We didn’t go out that much, we didn’t have an argument (I remember how R use to say it was cute cus it shows that ppl care and just have probs expressing it)…. I just feel that we didn’t stay in it long enough to show how we really feel. Maybe R disagrees, but than again, when one person wants out. It’s the end. Ok… this isn’t the end of what I go to say, but I gotta go… it sux that I have to go when I haven’t said everything I wanted to….. yea… ill be back later. TO EVERYONE: don’t think the wrong things cus I haven’t finished yet. and R, if your reading this, that applies to you too.

Errr, bitch wants the phone….


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my ife in a nutshell [13 Apr 2003|08:02am]
[ mood | lonely ]

So much happened in the past 4 days. I finally get to just kick back and relax. Its raining outside. For the first time, Im enjoying this weather. Permits me to stay all nice and cozy at home. The sound of rain hitting the floor is really soothing. Windows open and I feel the coldness, it feels good. Youll know why by the end of this entry.

I cant think that far back. I remember the jist though. I was feeling like shit and I cried in my room for like an hr. there were too many things on my mind and it just kinda got to me. I fought with my dad over sum stupid shit. While in my room, a friend called and I jumped out my window to sneak out. I just chilled with Jordan cus I had nothing better to do. hes a cool guys, always fun chillin with him. I came home at like 4 in the morn and my dad bitched at me in the morn.

Normal day at skool. Im sure sumthing worth mentioning happened, just I cant seem to remember off the top of my head rite now. afterskool my bro, phuongsta and jomama picked me up to ge t my tux for prom. The wait was long and hecka ppl were there. after that, we walked around the mall and just browsed and goofed off. After that, went to jomams house and I kicked it for awhile. I went to dinner at red lobster with the fantastic 4 crew after. Hahaha, so my title is flame boy and not the human torch. Why you guys ask? I have no clue at all. LOL. dinner was cool, we chatted and shit. I mean what else can you do? so we go to I.Ws house after and im there till like 11. I get home and chat till 12. finally start my HW, I realize I have hella. I would’ve just blown I t all off, but I felt like I wanted to do sumthing. I stayed up till 430, pauls my witness. Haha, hes nocturnal.

I woke up late to skool. SHIT!!! I had to go to 4 classes if I wanted to be able to get into prom. So I rushed my ass and got to first about 5 min b4 it ended. So that means I techinically went to 4 classes considering I left at lunch. All my classes were a breeze… I guess I was too busy anticipating the nite. my bro picked me up at lunch and we walked around., hella ppl muggin cus he was flaunthing is tats and shit. So I go to pick up the budineer and crousage, hella heads from skool at the florist place. She snapped and cussed out in Chinese. Hahaha, we walked around the plaza to kill time till it was time to pick it up. so we get, it, they looked really nice. We picked up phuongsta after. We go to jomamas house after and we chill. Go to vatobell (tacobell) after. Than off to an azn plaza cus phuongsta needed to bye things. Jo bought one of those mixed cds that you cant get ne where for me. mu gusta mas. time was ticking, I had to ge t home to get ready. I made it home at about 445. AHHHH, I had to be at leannes in 30 min. so I rush and get ready…. Run out my house and head for leannes….. prom time has come!!

About prom:
I get to leannes and everyone is like FINALLY! So we take a few pics and than off we go. It was hecka traffic getting there. we chit chatted bout lots of things, filled Jeremy in cus he don’t go to MHS ne more. we get there and are greeted by hella familiar faces in the lobby. Everyone looked HOT, me and Vicky though, we looked the HOTTEST. Hahah, but Vicky really looked stunning. Im still in awe cus of her beauty from that nite. so we go in and get sitted for dinner. At our table we had : choy and tubs, hocake and jerms, clit and mon, me and vixster, jacky and leannie. The dinner wasn t so great. We all kinda figured one thing…. The rice was not azn rice. Hahaha. My steak was bleah and the cheesecake was not fulfilling. We take our couple pix and than we wait for everyone to finish. By the time we get back in the ballroom, its time to dance. Damn, we danced most of the 4 hrs. they played hecka songs I like to get my groove on. So leanne and huonge and lots of ppl were like “damn justin, you look hella downe by the way you dance.” Hahah, wtf? So theres a way to look downe now when dancing? I guess it was just cus im not like other guys who stand there. HAHAHAHA, hint hint to all the guys! I love to dance. Everyone was toucy feeling at prom. Shit, what was that all bout? Everyone just all up on their dates, couldn’t everone just have fun with everyone? You guys all needed to be fun dates like me, paul, jenny and vixster. So while dancing, we moved all around the place. Danced with hecka of our different friends. The cuzzin crew didn’t seem to have fun, I tried my best to dance with all of them cus their dates literally just stood there. I got mugged though. Haha, im the only guy who can get away with dancing with all the girls. Group picture time. We took 2 groups. One with the cousin crew (18 ppl) and another with the hot gurls, hopanyos and everyone else (44 ppl). They played you got it bad during the pics! Wth? Haha, its a tradition to sing it with a fat group. But we still sang it. went back in an d just danced our asses off. At the end, they played sum slow songs. Me and Vicky never had a real dance, we always goofed off. We sang to one another and lil by little our whole group joined, awww the good times. I think we killed it for all the guys who were tryng to seduce the chix though. LOL! it ended, we all planned what to do next.
I know I didn’t elaborate much on prom. Theres just too much to say with words. You haved to be there to realize how fun it was. But it really was a lifetime memory. I waited 11 years for that day, and I have to say, it exceeded all my expectations. Everyone there was sumone I knew. just the vibe in that room was perfect. I had hella fun, its really what I needed. A good time.

We all stood around and finally decided to go to dennys. I rode with jacky, Vicky left me! its ok, im glad she did. she was on my last nerve……. Hahah jp. I know she wanted to be sumwhere else, and I completely understood. We went to dennys and I guess we mixed groups. I wasn’t even saved a seat. THANX GUYS!!! I guess I was too busy talking to everyone else that’s why. So after a long while of not being seated, we head to lyons. Me and huonge became dates now. david, Brannon, cece and Julie were nice enough to ask us to jump in their limo cus of extra seats. So we get there and see more familiar faces. Me and huongee split a chicken quesidilla. After that, tony and steph come. Me Vincent and huonge jump in their car to go to the hotel room.
We get a room and we do nothing but chill there for an hr or so. Prolific crew went in and out. Me and huongee jus t laid on the couch and fought our sleep. Vincent left and so did everyone else. David arrives with Christine and tony. Ummm, tony brings Christine and tony home. While hes gone, we kinda ge t our party on. Hahaha, all I have to say is was drunk off my ass. I drank atleast 7 or 8 shots of barcardi 151? Or maybe im just exaggerating, I know I drank the most though. I was going hecka crazy. I said hella shit that I wasn’t spose to thouh. =X oh well, im sure no on e caught on cus they were under the influence too. I remember hella things. We played 10 fingers and I admitted to deep shit, talked bout R, called a few ppl, played hide and seek under the desk, jumped on the bed with david, played cards….. hella shit. Its kinda surprising, cus I can admit this is the first time I was drunk like a mofo. So I pass out around 6 in the morn. I get up a t 830 and tony drives me home. Dude, tony is such a cool and nice guy. stephs pretty lucky.

So I get home and I can t find my keys. My dad opens the door and hes like where have you been? BIG DEAL! Like he cares if I was home or not. I had a major hangover. I jump into bed for like 20 min than he comes barging in, clean your room, it’s a mess! Im like dad, I have all freakin spring break, I just got home from prom and im tired like hell. we argue, he points out that im drunk. SO? Not like I was hiding it. he would not let me rest at all. I sleep till like 12, jump in the shower. I get out and throw up my guts. Haha, ewww? I know. so I get yelled at for just hella things. Im like FUCK, get off my back. I wasn’t irritated cus I was still you know, but he literally was on my ass for every fucking thing. After awhile, I didn t wanna be at home. He was just on my nerves. I call my bro jon to get me. I went to his house and I napped there cus it was peaceful and shit. Needed to get everything outta my system. I get up and I feel hella lost. I was still feeling sick. The whole day I didn’t take ne anti-hangover procedures. So I guess that’s why it lingered on till the end of lastnite.
We met up with ppl and than off to cheesecake factory. It was F4 crew (fantastic 4) and jason and Adrian. I was still feeling kinda blueah, so I literally didn’t touch my food. we just talked bout hella things and laughed our asses off. Me and THING checked out ppl. Haha, we both agreed that this waiter was HOT! Heh, the food wasn’t all that gr8, and I realize while I was there…. I got herpes… literally, I got herpes. Haha, it’s a fever blister. But that’s a type, rite> did I skare ne of you guys? I almost threw up my food. we decided to go home. I came home and I was feeling whooozy. So I passed out on my couch.

Sunday (today):
I have no idea what iwanna do today. my dad already bitched at me for being on the comp in the morn. Wtf is his prob?

So many things on my mind, but I wrote too much for one entry. Ill update later today, gotta give all you readers a chance to read this first b4.


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[09 Apr 2003|04:40pm]
[ mood | crushed ]

Today was a fuckin bad day. As the clock ticks, things seem to get worst. Seems im back at square one, feeling like shit. Omg, all these emotions im feeling, all this shit in my head. I cant even come close to expressing it all with words. These past couple of days, ive had many things on my mind. Theres been one major thing that sticks out. It gave me a sense of happiness but yet gave me a desolate feeling. It was an on and off thing. You can say it was a roller coaster of emotions. That has come to an end however. Good thing, rite? Cept the roller coaster didn’t stop at the happiness part.

I am so fucking blind. Im such a fool. Bombarded in what I HOPED to be, while the reality was hidden. No one put more faith and hope into us. No one but myself, I played myself for the dumbass. I lead myself to believe that sumthing was there. theres nothing there but MY own feelings. The thing that gets to me is that im the one and only person who got myself into this position. I backed myself into this lonely corner. There is no one to blame for what im feeling but myself. How the fuck did I let myself get to this point? Shit… im tired of it all. I know I have to get over it, but I cant.

So many questions, I want them to all be answered. Im afraid though, I know ill hear what I don’t want to. I cant let go of it, I don’t know why. But damn…. This, what im doing…. Its not rite. Fuck my own feeling, ive been selfish long enough and I deserve this. However, the person I put it on does not. I don’t know if your reading this, but damn, just tell me its over and there are no chances or what ifs. If you don’t feel this way, than just tell me too. but it’s a 2 way street, we gotta meet in the middle. Im sorry to lay it on you, to pressure you. I don’t want any drama, but I just cant suppress what I truly feel ne more.

Its kinda ironic how one person has your heart in their hands…. Seems once they got hold of it, life revolves around the holder and only that one person. It sux… im not one who possesses the heart I want, yet, mine still resides with them. what else gets to me, is that though i know its the end, though it just hasnt hit me, im still gonna care for that person.
I need to clear my head of thoughts. Go for a walk, wash my face and rid myself of these burning tears.


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dont bother reading, this is a boring ass entry [09 Apr 2003|01:37am]
[ mood | blah ]

Its pretty late and my ass should be in bed. But im not tired, I know imma pay for it in the morn though. I completed all my HW cept for history, I don’t wanna do it. I more than made up for it by studying for my 2 test tomorrow. I also read a lot of catcher in the rye. I like that book. I feel like a nerd for reading things not for skool purposes.

Today was an alrite day I guess. I woke up to a dream, im not gonna say what it was. But it was different.

First period: this class gets more blah to me with each day that passes by. Luckily, I have cece (wooopah!), stephanie (hopanyo sagwa), chanel (big sis) and clara (tramp) to make it interesting. Damn, today everyone just had the funnies things to say. I was talking to steph about Thomas the train, or wtv it is, we were trying to figure out the name. She came up with freakin Thomas the tank. She wasn’t poking fun at it, she was being real when she thought it existed. That was funny shit. Chanel kept calling me chunky and she said I had no neck cus all my fat hides it. than cece replied by saying I do have a neck, cus that’s where all my hickies show. Hahahaha, funny yet mean stuff. I didn’t get warned in classs….that much… wooohooo!

Second: things seem hecka funny to me today. I sat there just laughing at everyone. Nessie keeps picking on me and Charlie. We responded by saying shes on our jock. Funny stuff, we talked about the things we were gonna do to her to get her back. Iono, its one of those you had to be there to find It hella funny type of things.

Break: I showed everyone my monkey, its cool. I made piercings on it and colored eyes on it. everyone likes my toys! =D

Third: we watched a video and talked about a recent crime seen. So sum corridor guy said that a criminal committed suicide by 4 self inflicted shotgun shots. That’s so not freakin possible? I thinks theres a conspiracy going on.

Forth: took a test, easy stuff. Talked with david and dianna. Coel gave me fucking attitude but I told her off. I cant stand ppl like her. think theyre so much better than everyone. I just cant wait, ppl like her will get no where in life with that kind of mentality.. “oh, im so much smarter and better than you. I don’t need to strive to be the top cus I already am In it” I just cant wait till later down the line.

Lunch: talked hella shit with gen an d did our usual runs. Same ol goofing off.

Fifth: I wrote yet another letter to R in ssr. Haha, I never give em to R though. I have a total of like 10 now. other than that, found out hes giving a test on Friday. And hes also a shap. At prom. Which means 1 thing. I CANT CU T CLASS!! >=O oh well, I was over it in like 5 min. we went to the comp lab and all I did was talk to jenny about lots of things, shes cool to talk to.

Sixth: took a test. Winged the whole thing. I pretty much gave up this 6 weeks for physics. I think I got atleast a c.

Afterskool, I went to gens house for a bit with Kristine. Funny stuff went down, so I went through gens “phonebook” and they wanted me to prank call hella guys. Im so good at fucking with ppl. I know its immature, but I only do it when ppl ask me to. its not like I sit at home and do I t for my own kix. But gyea, Kristine has never heard me talk the way I have today. she was busting up. one min I was the sex hot line guy and rite after I changed into the “fuck you bitch” hardcore guy. yea…. I like to make ppl laugh.

Came home and took a nap. I woke up and read my book. I laid in bed for a long time just thinking that life is passing me by and im being left behind. Usually Id be like down I nthe dumps, but I don’t have a sad feeling. I thought of lots of things. Id venture into them, but im tired of typing. Damn, I wasted my energy on typing about my boring ass day at skool. Shit…. Im a loser.

Nite nite
-justin jorrell preza

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who makes me who i am? [08 Apr 2003|01:36am]
[ mood | grateful ]

so today my friend asked me a question. actually it was like 4 mins ago. but he asked, who are the top 6 ppl who have played a big role in your life in the past year? these are my top 6. not in any particular order...

jonathan, my bigger bro.
leanne & huonge, hopanyo status friends.
justin, really cool buddy.
R, first *ahem*.
niki, first girlfriend.

each of those ppl have been there for me through thick and thin. each has touched me to make me who i am today. i dont see the relationship i have with these people based on how much time i spend with them or quantity wise. its all about quality in my eyes. jon, hes always been the loving bro who has my back. hes been the support i get family wise. justin, hes been the first guy friend i actually felt a close ralated bond on HELLA differnt aspects. im glad i got to know him. huonge and leanne, they are the first friends i let know. no matter what, things remained the same and it only brought us closer. these girls are my freakin hopanyos for life. niki, she set the stage for relationships. first (almost) everything. were really cool now, i like that. last but certainly not least, R. first *ahem*. i dont think i should venture out into that. haha, if youre special, you already know.

im really lucky to have these individuals step into my life. each have been my wheelchair for the handicap, cake to the fat kid (which is me, im too chunky now! =C ), drugs to a crackhead.... ok bad anologies. im sure you guys get what im saying though.

iono, i just had this uplifting feeling from thinking bout all of this.


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my busy busy weekend [07 Apr 2003|09:25pm]
[ mood | groggy ]

I felt like updated so I thought Id consider taking the advantage of this feeling cus I rarely have it now.

I went to skool like ne other day. I had viet show practice after, I was there for bout like an hr. after that, I went to ge t my final fitting for the show. Haha, OMG, I hella don’t know how to put on a tux. I was so lost. Good thing phuongsta and jomama were at the mall to help me. so yea, I thought my charity tux looked hellla funny. After that, I went home for a few hrs. than I went to a play at PHHS. Heh, R looked really cute. I didn’t even pay attention to the pay, R was my main focus. So after I had like a wave of stupidity come over me. long story, just read back 2 entries.

What a long day. Imma just breeze through it. so I get to bellermine HS and im so freakin lost. I run around for hecka long than I finally find my class. SAT wasn’t so bad. Actually the only hard part was the anologies. So many white ppl there…. it was scurry. I don’t think I could survive at an all boy private skool. Id be the odd man out… haha, just the thought of it scares me. so after that, I chilled with gen for awhile. Funniest shit ever… I called her X and pretended to be sum guy from the internet who he met. S o I was saying things like “I wanna lick you all over” just plain ol nasty ass things. And the funniest part, I did that all in front of the skools chapel. But gyea, good times. So while were chillen, this guy rolls up and gets out.
Guy: you guys need a ride?
Us: oh no, were fine
Guy: I wasn’t asking you gurls, I was asking him.
(im the only guy!)
hahaha, I grabbed on to my honorary fag hag gen. So after they leave (holly and gen) I go to MHS for practice. we didn’t do much, leanne took me home to ge t clothes for the show. We s tayed her for like an hr. after that, went back and just ran errands with her. the show starts….. it was a good show overall. Heh, r ite b4 the show, I wasn’t feeling to well just cus. Not ne thing in particular, but I felt so much better. R called and wished me luck. =D The first half I watched it with anti, Richard and james. Funny stuff. 3 filipinos who don’t understand the show. After awhile, I wen t backstage to kick it cus all the participant were doing their own thing. So yea, few mistakes, but overall good. Ppl didn’t know I was the model with the glasses, yep, that was me! everyone looked to hot though. Vicky, WOW. Hot stuff. She was my partner for the casual. Vicky is like the steak and im the vegetables. Hahaha. After the overall show, I went home. Too tired to kick it.

I stayed home the whole day. I was an online junkie for about the first 4 hrs of my day. I decided to get off and watch TV. I watched empire records, ransom, and Xman. I love those movies! I took a2 hr nap. I got back online. How sad, I hecka wasted yesterday. I fou nd out sumthing which just threw everything outta perspective. But im not going to put ne one on blast.

I realize how much I don’t like Spanish class. Senorita bitche is a really bad teacher. I like second, this SR girl hella picks on me and Charlie. We just retaliate by putting her on blast cus she likes 2 JRs. Police science, I li terally slept half the period. We played a little trivial game, I answered every question for my team. Wth>!>! English, kick back class. Lunch, found out that leadership isn’t the class for me ne more. apperantly I got bad reviews and im like fuck it now. history, boring shit. Physics, slept half the period and played 13. afterskool I had deten tion for senorita bitche. I slept the whole time. Damn, I sleep so much a t skool. Skools such a bleah thing for me. I don’t pay attention in class and I have badd attendance. I have JR-ritus. LOL! after skool, I went to walmart to walk around and shit. I bought a lil monkey cus it reminds me of R. hahaha, its freakin cool. Imma give it to R. came home and took a 4 hr nap.

Gyea, I didn’t do HW and I don’t feel up to it. Imma do it though. I feel so groggy rite now. think imma jump in the shower to wake me up. I miss R. heh, which reminds me. I had a dream bout us lastnite. It felt so freakin real. I woke up and I was like AWWWW, it was just a dream. But gyea, still put a smile on my face. =D. ok, time to go kiddos.

-justin “lion looking” preza

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quick-eee-ness [06 Apr 2003|12:30pm]
[ mood | content ]

dang.... yesterday was such a L O N G day. i had 3 hrs of sleep and woke up for SAT. chilled with gen till about 2. went to practice. than the real show, stayed there till about 1030. i was too tired to update lastnite, and rite now... im just too lazy to update. i added a lil sumthing to teh DJC xanga page. go look!


alrite, later.


ps, for all you ppl who feel kinda bad cus of my last entry or are worried and what not. dont trip! haha, thats just me. im a lil roller coaster of emotions. but thanx for caring, im better now though. :D

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of all days.... [05 Apr 2003|06:13am]
[ mood | lonely ]

lastnite i went to the play. i went to watch, not to intrude. i wanted to congratulate, but not at the expense of invading. i am so fuckin idiotic. i put myself into a corner that i trap myself in. its all my fault. im the one who makes up images in my head, than when they dont come true, im sad and shit. i shouldnt have gone lastnite. you know that feeling when sumthing is so close, yet so far. thats teh feeling i had. i saw R. i yelled at R. i knew R saw me but i was ignored. wtf is that shit? seeing R after hecka long and not being able to have sum type of contact just fucking hurts.

i didnt come home till 2 hrs after the play. i walked around and talked to huonge on the phone. i was going through my "psycho justin" moods. eveerything all at once, one after another. thanx huonge for talking to me. i threw up while i was on the phone. sat there in the field and just cried for a minute. i crossed a park. we were there on vday. i trasspassed into an area under construction. we went there too. shit.... i dont know why i fucking care so much. and for what? nothing. i dont do it to ge t ne thing in return, but when i dont get to show it, it ends up eatting me away inside.

for the second time in about a year and a half, i took off my necklace. this is a big deal to me, its like taking off a piece of me. i was so attached. im not wearing it rite now. i cried for hecka long just looking at it in bed lastnite.

it sux ho wone person has your life in thier hands. they control every bit of emotion you have.

its funny how im such the biggest hypocrite. im the one who gives all the ladies and gentz the advice. i elevate others when theyre at a make or break point in a relationship. guess what? im the one whos fucking afraid afraid. i tell others "well wouldnt it be better to know if he/she still wants to be with you or not? i mean you dont wanna string it a long. blah blah..." but yet im the one whos scared of reality. i want to know whats up with me, yet im the one whos so afraid.

fuck, im just down in the dumps rite now. i have no on e to blame but myself. i would like to put it all on R, but R hasnt done a damn wrong thing to me. just depends on how you look at it. but gyea, why does today have to be today? too many important things to do when my mind is in all differnt placeds. omg...i dont know if i can physcially take it too. i had 3 hrs of sleep. i cried myself to sleep and my eyes are puffy and red as hell. well good luck to me on the SAT and viet show tonite.

i come to realize, i was just another guy... i was no one special. i was too freakin blind.

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[04 Apr 2003|06:09pm]
[ mood | crappy ]

Ok so im hella mad at LJ rite now. I spent literally an hr this morning typing up an entry and click…. Cant load….so I click back… entrys fucking gone!! And it was damn good to. filled with my philosophical views on life and what not. I covered everything on my mind from top to bottom. Damn, makes me so enraged.

Im kinda bummed out rite now. stuff with R. its been 22 days since weve actually seen one another. Today were gonna be in the same area, cept we wont be together. I don’t even think that R acknowledges in be in a close proximity. to add to the problem, imma be a freaking loner while im there. This is the reason why im kinda sad rite now. heh, for some reason though, I have a smile on my face. Justin (biter) just hella got me cracking up. hahahaha. Short entry, I know… too lazy to type. But gyea, later kiddos.

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im feeling GOOD [01 Apr 2003|07:00am]
[ mood | rejuvenated ]

just a quickie b4 i get ready for skool. ill do a real update later. i just wanted it to be known, im feel so much BETTER. for the first time in a week, i finally had a good sleep. no worries, no thinking of negative thing s, no being sad.... just had a good sleep. yea yea, it may not seem like ne thing to you readers, but having a good sleep is symbolic of how i feel. im just feeling really good. now, i see things i was too blind to see. i know why things are a certain way. though everything is not resolved and i dont have my way still, i understand. ahhhh, feel like a heavy load was lifted off my shoulders. heh, ive experienced a revelation.... kinda wanna give a few shout outs... sounds corny, but if i could sum up what my friends have been to me, this would be it. if i was a handicaped guy... you guys would be my wheelchair, cruthes, ramps, rails, elevators and those tags you get for closer parking. LOL! like that shit huh? but really though, im blessed to have so many ppl constantly lookin out for me. you guys all know you are...

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hey justin. dont be mad when you figure out i wrote an entry for you. [31 Mar 2003|03:29am]
hello, this is jodan aka jordass. i do not own a site of my own, so i thought it would be grand if wrote in one. thank you justin for letting me use your livejournal. justin is here at the moment, well not here, but here in this facility. he is feeling under the weather and i thought it would help bout of us if we shared one anothers company. its already 3:30 am. we should get to sleeping soon if he wants to make it to class on time today. i had a good day today. woke up to the nice sunshine outside. took a quick shower than i was out the door and headed for the gym. following this, i took justin out to BK for lunch. we finally go to spend time together after the disolving of our famous "smokers crew" did a little catching up, than i took him home. my mother asked for help around the house and being the handy man i am, i answered her demands. i got a splinter while fixing a shelf in the backyard. boy did that hurt! day went on, i called justin to see if he was feeling better. to no offense or to put him on the spot, but he wasnt. i can only piece together the puzzle from what i read and hear. appearently, the sole key to his sorrows as of now is a partner. well ex partner now. im surprised that i never knew of the one he refers to R in this site. i dont know if youre reading this *******, hopefully you are. i dont want to step into business where i am not welcomed. all i want to say though is that justin really cares about you. you really hurt him, it seems he hasnt even been this distraught with his first girlfriend. it only leads me to believe that you mean a whole deal to him. from what i hear, justin nor yourself has done a single thing to ruin the relationship. yet he feels that way inside. not cus of a guilty conscience, but because you are not around. let me pose you this question : if you say your feelings are still there, than why cant you even answer his calls or make an effort to keep him in your life? if he really does have a place in your heart, you wouldnt brush him off like nothing. if you dont, so be it. atleast care enough to tell him so he is no longer blinded by the hope he still has. i am sorry to say i must cut this short, but i hear justin is near almost bone preparing for bed. (he has no idea that i am writing in this)
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[30 Mar 2003|12:36pm]
[ mood | crushed ]

A journal is for the purpose of and only for the owner, rite? Yes! So I shouldn’t feel no shame and may I say that I do not rite stuff in here to put ppl on blast or make them feel bad. With that being said, I kinda feel like writing about things that I usually leave out. If you are going to bitch or talk shit I say in here, so be it. just don’t let me be the victim of your ignorance and stupidity.

Lately ive been a total wreck. On the surface, I present (well, I try) myself to be atleast ok. Im not fake happy and all up in your face. Nor am I showing how I really feel, the side that just wants to lash out at the world because I am feeling like shit. Im just in the middle. Recently though, ive been taking blows left and rite. being knocked to the floor with no support to help me rise. Things are getting to me, I cant stand it . I would have thought that as time passes, I would relieve myself little by little. The reality is that it did the complete opposite. It seems to me now that im taking things more harder.

Since Monday there hasn’t been a day up to this point that I haven’t at one point or another shed a tear. That fucken gets to me. I don’t do it on purpose for sympathy, that’s why I hide it. but shit, there are times of the day when out of no where “BAM!” it hits me fucking hard as hell. im not doing a well job of hiding it, I think. Cus everyone ask “are you ok?” only cus of the expression I have or the vibe I give off. I haven’t been my happy go lucky self, im just bitter as hell now. like on Monday, we had practice for the show. I was sitting on the stage alone just looking at everyone and I hear the song for the formal show. Beauty and the beast song. Ahhh, I had to walk off and go outside cus I didn’t want ne one to see my eyes all watery. I never really cried my eyes out till Wednesday nite. I cant even remember why or what made me cry? So im content and I can keep my composure up to Friday nite. im the type after having a good day, I come home and feel gloomy cus im sad that it ha s to end. So Friday was a fairly good day, I come home and I am left alone. What do I do when Im alone and have nothing to focus on? I think. Think about everything that has been suppressed by my occupation of other things. Ending up I laid in bed for like 2 hrs, not crying, but every now and than a tear would run down my cheek to my pillow. So I end up falling asleep, YAY, first day where I can get a good nites rite. Boy was I wrong. Ending up I had a dream about R, and I woke up at 10 in the morning and could never get back to sleep.

Yesterday I stayed home all day long. I didn’t want to go out. I turned down the offers to kick it with ppl. When I woke up I laid in bed for about 30 min moping and feeling sorry for myself. And f uck this shit…. I don’t even want to talk about this. In the course of writing this entry, my mood just fucken changed. Ill update later when I wont out of nowhere just go on a rampage like rite now.

This fucking sux. If R doesn’t care, which im sure R no longer does. Why the fuck should I? The thing that gets to me so hard is that I was dropped out of nowhere. we didnt have ne probs that couldnt be resolved, than one day its all over. I still have hope in us but its quickly fading. I feel like I was just another guy to R. I gave my all to R, I literally did. and for fucken what? To be cast away like nothing. I hella cared and I still do. but what can R say? I knoe its not fair to not hear Rs side of the story, but the fact that I don’t proves another point. That I have no freakin place in Rs life. theres no time of the day for R to call me or atleast make an effort to talk to me. shit…. The only thing that’s getting to me so bad rite now is this. After all this whole ordeal, and though im still angry and sad, I can honestly say that I still care and that I wont stop for a long time. But what will R say? nothing…. cus R doesn’t care about me. this fuckin hurts like hell. im tired of shit like this. I need to go be my old sykotic self now.

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[29 Mar 2003|02:14am]
[ mood | lonely ]

Would you look at the time. What do you know, 143. damn, I keep peering at the clock and seeing that number. Its getting kinda depressing for sum reason. I just got out the shower and im so fresh and so clean clean!

Today was Trojan Olympics. Don’t wanna get TOO into it. I had fun. It wasn’t like WHOA, but it was cool. Got to kinda get to know ppl more often. It sux cus no more practices. No more drama, but I have to admit, it was interesting. So the actual thing. I give it a 8 out of 10. things seemed kinda dead this year to other years. So the dances were kinda ehhh. The games, we didn’t win jack shit cept for tug of war. Only cus I was on the team. Hahahah, jp. Damn, it was harder playing against the FR than SR. what is up with that? Ticket sales, last place. Cheering, we dropped from like first last yr to I predict last. Decorations, things weren’t as vivrant as last year for all classes. Pyramids, SRs couldn’t get theres up. ours was alrite, I like the idea of the SOPH though. So heres the breakdown, forth place – freshies. Third place – us (sorry ass JRS). Second – soph. First – of course the SRs. I honestly think our class has lost our touch. Hahaha, maybe we just feel under the JR curse. I have to give it up to all the other classes though, everyone kicked ass. I like the atmosphere. Fun and games, class competition with a friendly twist. It kinda brightened up my day. After TO, we went to dennys. I wasn’t hungry, nor did I have money. Im glad I went though cus I got to have a heart to heart talk with huonge. CHEER UP!!! LETS GO PROSTITUTE OURSELVES AT THE CORNER!! So I get a ride back to skool for my dad to pick me up there. it was like 1130 already. So we kinda messed around. I accused leanne and em of doing drugs. I chased the car and we were just crazy. Hella freshies were still there, I dunno why, TO ended like an hr prior. Ne who, they thought I was syko. So my dad comes and hes nice and brings me to jack in the crack. SHIT, SR island up in there. so we bust a bitch and go to vato bell. I come home, wait 5 min till I can eat it. TORTURE I tell you! Its ok, my favorite movie RUN, LOLA, RUN was on so it help me maintain self control. I ate and damn was it good!

I told Julie that I would come home feeling kinda bummed. Im just like that. After having a good day with friends or going out sumwhere, I always have to end up at home. This isn’t that bad of a place. But I always get bummed out for some awkward reason. Like I don’t want the good day or fun to end. Im syko. So I was rite. I came home, dad went to bed. Left alone, no one was online. So im just sitting here being a online junkie. Come across sites which made me sad. The weird part, these sites had no relevance to ne thing. So WTF?!?!

Im feelin downe for many reasons. I was thinking and the more I thought, it just kept picking away at my comfortableness with life as of now. what exactly came to mind? Its my most Important time in HS rite now, this is what counts the most. I feel like I don’t live up to expectations. I don’t apply myself and I only blame myself. Damn, I cut 8 classes in the past week. That’s bad. I think my grades are on a mudslide and my attendance is all bad now. im just afraid of life after HS I guess. I know this wont make or break me, but I feel grades are important. Iono, im just blabbering on and on. Basically, im freakin out about life where I am no longer guided. Its scary.

Another thing, my dad is becoming a father to me. it sux. I said I always wanted a fatherly role, but I want a complete one. I don’t only want the one who only accuses me of doing drugs and what not.

I think im going to die soon. I swear. This feeling of sick just wont get off my nuts. Im pale as rice now. I have fat droopy eyes with dark ass bags. Im weak and aching all over. Not to mention ,this cough. Damn, I sound like a penguin. My head is constantly throbbing. My tempt will not drop, but only rise. Everything about my health is crumbling to pieces. I really think I should seek professional help. I feel like a druggy. I literally took about 40 tylonel in the past week or so. And shit, I think its just cus I don’t get enough sleep. (this week, everyday I haven’t taken my nap and I only get bout 2-4 hrs tops) so I figure all I need is a good rest. Look at me! im on here, why? Its cus I cant sleep. I swear, I think im an insomniac now. the only thing that can really get me to sleep, surprisingly its not overdose of sleepy med, but as corny as it sounds, its freakin crying. The only nite this whole week in which I actually went to bed with ease, is on wed. I cried my freakin eyes out.

so seeing the close bond between all the ppl at TO made me kinda sad. why? cus i can honestly say i dont believe in any group or clique. yea, i do kick it with them. but im not like the first who comes to mind when ppl go out. im always just a close tie or link. i kinda miss the whole "smokers crew". i still talk to everyone every now and than on the phone or online, but its just not the same.

The last thing that’s on my mind now since starting this entry is R. I cant seem to be in the middle with R since were just friends now. im either really happy and nothing can ruin my day or im just crushed and always wanna keep to myself. Why cant I just be satisfied with no less or more feelings? Ya know? iono, I don’t want to pressure R into ne thing. I just really miss everything. I wish I could see R rite now, I have a few things I want to give. Not only for that reason, but OMG, I really really miss spending time together. I don’t think ne one can honestly know what I mean or how I feel, unless your huongee. Heh, don’t get me wrong. Im not mad at R about ne thing, were on good terms, its just I miss it all. Haha, how redundant can I be?

Ok, im beat…. Time to go to bed….well try to .

- Justin jorrell preza

Ps, oh yea, I saw a shooting star tonite. Hopefully my wish will come true…

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